I'm feeling that very depressed feeling again. The feeling where I feel that I hate my life & I just want to die...
My sisters are over at my grandma's house. My mum is going out to do some work later. My dad is doing the night shift. So I'm going to be alone in the house soon. Tomorrow there's training. I'm still very weak in my Physics especially the basics. I still haven't started revising for A-Maths review exam. And I am very bored.
"Indignantly, Harry opened his mouth to reply - and was cut off as another loud grinding noise emanated from the corner of the room. Both the boys whirled around, holding their swords. This time, the dark space grew larger than it had before, large enough for a person to walk through. Harry and Draco stood frozen, looking at each other.
Draco spoke first. What should we do?
Protect ourselves. Stand back to back.
Draco put his hands on his hips. And that would accomplish precisely what?
Harry shrugged. I don't know. It's what they do in movies."~Draco Sinister Chapter 10 - Bindings & Summonings
Kaimisuki-just a blog
Friday, November 29, 2002
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Cheer upz, Munirah. You are the most depressing friend shamiah has ever had. You should be honoured.
Fasting month and my penpal is asking SO many questions about it. I have to think so long to answer them. But I like his opinion on "There is no movie in this world
that is better than the book." He said movies let our imaginations be limited by the movie's output. And we agree that they can never be satisfactory.
I had a dream the other night that I got my shoe stuck in the MRT door. I went out on the wrong stop and when I realise it, I was rushing back inside but the door closed in and my left shoe got stuck. I had to tug it out and it was so embarrassing!
The night before that I had another dream. I dreamt my dad and I was arguing and our sparks started a real fire and everybody was rushing to put it out but I just walk away. I was actually crying during the argument. The reason was because he tore the Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets book. I didn't know I love Harry that much to cry for it.
Then in the same dream, I was going home and I found out my mum had become insane. She was pregnant too. I wasn't sure who's the father. She was crying & I was like hugging her and carrassing her like I never would in real life. That dream made me felt damn guilty. Since then, I tried to be nicer to my mum. But she never gave me a chance to! She is reeeaaally making it impossible for me to not hate her.
My internet bill was $142. Had to sacrifice $50 of my pocket money. Heck...I don't spend during fasting month anyway. Is Ayah ever going to get BroadBand?
"Life is short, but truth works far and lives long; let us speak the truth."~Arthur Schopenhauer
(Hah, ThaT would be the day...)
Fasting month and my penpal is asking SO many questions about it. I have to think so long to answer them. But I like his opinion on "There is no movie in this world
that is better than the book." He said movies let our imaginations be limited by the movie's output. And we agree that they can never be satisfactory.
I had a dream the other night that I got my shoe stuck in the MRT door. I went out on the wrong stop and when I realise it, I was rushing back inside but the door closed in and my left shoe got stuck. I had to tug it out and it was so embarrassing!
The night before that I had another dream. I dreamt my dad and I was arguing and our sparks started a real fire and everybody was rushing to put it out but I just walk away. I was actually crying during the argument. The reason was because he tore the Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets book. I didn't know I love Harry that much to cry for it.
Then in the same dream, I was going home and I found out my mum had become insane. She was pregnant too. I wasn't sure who's the father. She was crying & I was like hugging her and carrassing her like I never would in real life. That dream made me felt damn guilty. Since then, I tried to be nicer to my mum. But she never gave me a chance to! She is reeeaaally making it impossible for me to not hate her.
My internet bill was $142. Had to sacrifice $50 of my pocket money. Heck...I don't spend during fasting month anyway. Is Ayah ever going to get BroadBand?
"Life is short, but truth works far and lives long; let us speak the truth."~Arthur Schopenhauer
(Hah, ThaT would be the day...)
Monday, November 25, 2002
I can't post for the last few days. Something wrong with the damn thing.
And no, the toilet wasn't that dark. The light was very bright. It's just disgusting to see any green when I am actually shitting. My shit was green, you know. That was when I was having flu & had to take this green pills & green water & green everything. Urgh.
I went for group study (more like pair study) with liyana on Friday & that was like the first time I actually touched my school work. I'm re-taking the exam papers & I still start late. I even dream about Newby yesterday. Why is is so difficult to turn over a new leaf?
I tried reading Draco Trilogy a few days ago. I had to search for the part where I stopped reading since just before the exams. That took like forever. I just started reading when the phone rang. (Since everybody else is at my grandma's house, I had to pick up the phone.) It was my sister's friend. Irritated, I went back to read the story. I hardly read one paragraph when the phone rang again. It was my yearmate who needed some help on searching for some camp stuff. So I spent an hour helping her & when I finally get back down to reading, guess what? The phone rang. Guess who? Wrong number. I wanted to just kill the phone...so that was how the afternoon go. With me reading a few paragraphs & the phone ringing & me picking up the phone & getting irritated & going back to read the story & so forth. There was also once when the doorbell rang, so I had to walk all the way to the door to open it. My younger sister rushed in, went to the computer & started using the net. I was frustrated but determined to at least finish one chapter, so I screamed at her, got more hollering from my parents, & even more nagging from my mum for not doing the housework etc. But since I was determined, I finally managed to finish the one chapter. So what's the moral of the story here? If there's a will, there's a way? Fate does not want me to finish reading Draco Trilogy? Or maybe just simply the world hates me. Sigh.
"The brain may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells with the body."~Arthur Schopenhauer
And no, the toilet wasn't that dark. The light was very bright. It's just disgusting to see any green when I am actually shitting. My shit was green, you know. That was when I was having flu & had to take this green pills & green water & green everything. Urgh.
I went for group study (more like pair study) with liyana on Friday & that was like the first time I actually touched my school work. I'm re-taking the exam papers & I still start late. I even dream about Newby yesterday. Why is is so difficult to turn over a new leaf?
I tried reading Draco Trilogy a few days ago. I had to search for the part where I stopped reading since just before the exams. That took like forever. I just started reading when the phone rang. (Since everybody else is at my grandma's house, I had to pick up the phone.) It was my sister's friend. Irritated, I went back to read the story. I hardly read one paragraph when the phone rang again. It was my yearmate who needed some help on searching for some camp stuff. So I spent an hour helping her & when I finally get back down to reading, guess what? The phone rang. Guess who? Wrong number. I wanted to just kill the phone...so that was how the afternoon go. With me reading a few paragraphs & the phone ringing & me picking up the phone & getting irritated & going back to read the story & so forth. There was also once when the doorbell rang, so I had to walk all the way to the door to open it. My younger sister rushed in, went to the computer & started using the net. I was frustrated but determined to at least finish one chapter, so I screamed at her, got more hollering from my parents, & even more nagging from my mum for not doing the housework etc. But since I was determined, I finally managed to finish the one chapter. So what's the moral of the story here? If there's a will, there's a way? Fate does not want me to finish reading Draco Trilogy? Or maybe just simply the world hates me. Sigh.
"The brain may be regarded as a kind of parasite of the organism, a pensioner, as it were, who dwells with the body."~Arthur Schopenhauer
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
One thing I hate myself for being so good at is making people cry. But it's not my fault. They started it. If they had only stop being such irritating and useless people but actually help around the house...okay, so it's partly my fault. Why am I pointing fingers? Sigh, I so regret this.
I just thought. I told jw I want a background design themed on pokemon. I wonder how she's going to find pokemon pictures. How do you design a background anyway? By using those htmls? I don't understand htmls. Is it a short form for something? Hmm...I need to change my layout. I can't stand purple. My aunt is painting her living room purple & it looks horrible! To me, at least. I mean, purple walls do NoT go with green doors, especially dark green. Oh, and she renovated her toilet and now the toilet has green tiles, green walls, green tubes. Why would you want a toilet green in colour? She has bad taste.
"It started already even though you might not have wanted. But the fact that you breathe the same air as I do makes you one of us. I believe we have one more chance in front of us to change destruction into a new creation. And turn hate into peace. And convert fear into hope. Without any hesitation from this point on, we will sacrifice ourselves for the new beginning of the world. If we fail, the world as we know it will end."~Dr Brian Gilbert, in 3rd Countermeasure Conference
I just thought. I told jw I want a background design themed on pokemon. I wonder how she's going to find pokemon pictures. How do you design a background anyway? By using those htmls? I don't understand htmls. Is it a short form for something? Hmm...I need to change my layout. I can't stand purple. My aunt is painting her living room purple & it looks horrible! To me, at least. I mean, purple walls do NoT go with green doors, especially dark green. Oh, and she renovated her toilet and now the toilet has green tiles, green walls, green tubes. Why would you want a toilet green in colour? She has bad taste.
"It started already even though you might not have wanted. But the fact that you breathe the same air as I do makes you one of us. I believe we have one more chance in front of us to change destruction into a new creation. And turn hate into peace. And convert fear into hope. Without any hesitation from this point on, we will sacrifice ourselves for the new beginning of the world. If we fail, the world as we know it will end."~Dr Brian Gilbert, in 3rd Countermeasure Conference
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
"Obstinacy is the result of the will forcing itself into the place of the intellect."~Arthur Schopenhauer
"Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other."
My family fighted again today. Except that my elder sister joined in and she made a hell of a noise, my father yelled like crazy and then my sister locked herself in her room.
My computer finally work. It came back two days ago actually but it didn't work then. That time I was asleep, but I dreamt of people shouting and blaming whoever about the computer which didn't work. When I woke up, I found out that it wasn't a dream.
There is this cartoon show called The Ultimate Book of Spells and it's about school kids in a magic boarding school and they use wands too. It's a bit like Harry Potter but the three kids, also 2 guys and a gal, are on a different mission.
Okay, I'm bored.
"Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other."
My family fighted again today. Except that my elder sister joined in and she made a hell of a noise, my father yelled like crazy and then my sister locked herself in her room.
My computer finally work. It came back two days ago actually but it didn't work then. That time I was asleep, but I dreamt of people shouting and blaming whoever about the computer which didn't work. When I woke up, I found out that it wasn't a dream.
There is this cartoon show called The Ultimate Book of Spells and it's about school kids in a magic boarding school and they use wands too. It's a bit like Harry Potter but the three kids, also 2 guys and a gal, are on a different mission.
Okay, I'm bored.
Saturday, November 16, 2002
Hello people! Thank you so much for writing my guestbook! Thanks also to those who helped me put it up there. (Btw, I think red is the perfect colour. But what do you mean to choose all the stuff you asked me to choose? And what is Kaimisuki anyway?)
I miss the internet SO much! Why must my computer break down with virus every year? But can you believe it? Look at the date! Look at the time! Half of November is gone! Waaah! I can't believe it! Ok, maybe I can. But still, how could this happen?
Ok, some things I have to clear out. When I first started this blog, I was in a bored mood. I made it and started filling it with crap. And the thing is I didn't want anybody to know about my blog. But I didn't make it private either. So there I was, pouring out my whole heart and soul (which is mostly crap) and suddenly a sentence came out which some people are not supposed to see. Well then, I thought, who cares? So I left it there and there it will remain till the sky starts falling or Earth crashes into Venus or Singapore sinks into the sea. Anyway, I am really sorry for the inconvenience but I warn you people, there are truths and lies in this blog, the way there are truths and lies in life. It's up to each person to figure out which is which by themselves. Stuff in here can hurt, but you know, no pain no gain. Am I crapping? Yes.
Oh, did you know that 40+% of the population in Singapore is blood type O+ ? And about 29% is B+ ? And about 26% is A+ ? And the rest is AB+ ? Ok, whatever. So anyway I went to this talk on blood and organ donation for Red Cross and I didn't know that blood is so important. So many people takes it for granted. One pint of blood can actually save 4 lives! Blood is divided into 3 different parts (platelets, red blood cells and plasma) to help people of different diseases. And it was quite amazing. There's some misconceptions about it being painful lar, you'll gain weight lar, you'll become weak and unhealthy lar...but actually you should be growing stronger. The blood will replace the 1 pint in 72 hours (as long as you take in lots and lots of water) and you should be able to donate blood up to 4 times a year. That will be like 16 lives you should have saved! Oh, do you know everybody have like 10-12 pints of blood and 1 pint is about the amount of one can of coco cola so it's like if you have 12 cans of cola, giving one can away would not hurt. Unfortunately, only about 1% of the population donates blood so that's a sad case bacause the hospitals use them a lot. Let's see...what else did I learn? Oh, I found out 10% of the blood donars in Singapore are Muslims and during the month of Ramadhan, the percentage is lost so the amount of blood available drops dramatically. And at this moment, the hospital is lacking O+ blood, so we have to like encourage people with O+ blood to donate now...Spread the news people. I'm supposed to help be like the spokesperson for now since I'm under-aged to donate blood, and since I'm in Red Cross and stuff. The process is not actually painful, just a little ant bite like when you go to peirce your ears. It does take about one hour of your time, but think abou the number of life you'll be saving. For more info, go to www.redcross.org.sg (Bravo to those who actually go there.)
One question: Why do free-thinkers always end up as Christians? At least, the people I know do. Oh yar, maybe it's because of the stupid Muslim terrorist attacks. Pathetic idiots. No racial thing here. Just wondering...you know...like how I wonder why the trees always runs past us whenever we get onto a bus or a car 10 years ago...Huh? Maybe we Muslims need to attract more people...Right.
My sister hates me. Maybe I should start being nicer. I should stop throwing things, throwing tantrums and acting like a witch. And start studying more. Damn. That reminds me...I was on the MRT going home with a friend. The train was quite empty so we took a seat. Then she took out something from her bag which made me wanted to jump out the window, except that I can't open the windows on the train. So anyway, she took out her...Physics holiday assignment! She actually brought it with her! Argh! I feel so damned.
Morning rule: Smile. Afternoon rule: Be care-free. Evening rule: Study. Night rule: Sleep. Wait, isn't evening and night the same? Crap.
I feel like Alisa (Sita), the Last Vampire. She lies her way through her 5000 years of life, just to get what she wants.
I was cursed a long time ago. Now I'm condemned to live a life of depression. This is silly. There's many more people living in worse states than I am and yet I'm saying I'm depressed. I don't deserve this life I'm living.
"The Spaceship is leaving Planet Earth. It is moving faster and faster into space. Planet Earth is getting smaller and smaller. Soon, it will be out of sight. Is Wonderboy alone? No, he is not. He has many stars to keep him company."~The Adventures of Wonderboy...from those baby books.
I hate reading blogs. I hate me.
So...people's been watching the show twice or more, huh? I doubt I'll ever watch it again in my life. Plus my aunt's already warned me that I shouldn't do it during the month of fasting. But why only during fasting? It's stupid, you know. I bet she's trying to tell me going to the movies is a bad deed anytime in our life. And since I do not approve of pirated VCDs, I can just start feeling sorry for myself.
Now that I do have the internet back...I feel like I do not miss it at all. Now there's nothing for me to do...
It's weird. The time when I feel like nobody will read my blog, I'm ready to say anything. Now that I know people will definitely read my blog, I keep deleting and re-writing and deleting and re-writing. And I am a very messy person.
I miss the internet SO much! Why must my computer break down with virus every year? But can you believe it? Look at the date! Look at the time! Half of November is gone! Waaah! I can't believe it! Ok, maybe I can. But still, how could this happen?
Ok, some things I have to clear out. When I first started this blog, I was in a bored mood. I made it and started filling it with crap. And the thing is I didn't want anybody to know about my blog. But I didn't make it private either. So there I was, pouring out my whole heart and soul (which is mostly crap) and suddenly a sentence came out which some people are not supposed to see. Well then, I thought, who cares? So I left it there and there it will remain till the sky starts falling or Earth crashes into Venus or Singapore sinks into the sea. Anyway, I am really sorry for the inconvenience but I warn you people, there are truths and lies in this blog, the way there are truths and lies in life. It's up to each person to figure out which is which by themselves. Stuff in here can hurt, but you know, no pain no gain. Am I crapping? Yes.
Oh, did you know that 40+% of the population in Singapore is blood type O+ ? And about 29% is B+ ? And about 26% is A+ ? And the rest is AB+ ? Ok, whatever. So anyway I went to this talk on blood and organ donation for Red Cross and I didn't know that blood is so important. So many people takes it for granted. One pint of blood can actually save 4 lives! Blood is divided into 3 different parts (platelets, red blood cells and plasma) to help people of different diseases. And it was quite amazing. There's some misconceptions about it being painful lar, you'll gain weight lar, you'll become weak and unhealthy lar...but actually you should be growing stronger. The blood will replace the 1 pint in 72 hours (as long as you take in lots and lots of water) and you should be able to donate blood up to 4 times a year. That will be like 16 lives you should have saved! Oh, do you know everybody have like 10-12 pints of blood and 1 pint is about the amount of one can of coco cola so it's like if you have 12 cans of cola, giving one can away would not hurt. Unfortunately, only about 1% of the population donates blood so that's a sad case bacause the hospitals use them a lot. Let's see...what else did I learn? Oh, I found out 10% of the blood donars in Singapore are Muslims and during the month of Ramadhan, the percentage is lost so the amount of blood available drops dramatically. And at this moment, the hospital is lacking O+ blood, so we have to like encourage people with O+ blood to donate now...Spread the news people. I'm supposed to help be like the spokesperson for now since I'm under-aged to donate blood, and since I'm in Red Cross and stuff. The process is not actually painful, just a little ant bite like when you go to peirce your ears. It does take about one hour of your time, but think abou the number of life you'll be saving. For more info, go to www.redcross.org.sg (Bravo to those who actually go there.)
One question: Why do free-thinkers always end up as Christians? At least, the people I know do. Oh yar, maybe it's because of the stupid Muslim terrorist attacks. Pathetic idiots. No racial thing here. Just wondering...you know...like how I wonder why the trees always runs past us whenever we get onto a bus or a car 10 years ago...Huh? Maybe we Muslims need to attract more people...Right.
My sister hates me. Maybe I should start being nicer. I should stop throwing things, throwing tantrums and acting like a witch. And start studying more. Damn. That reminds me...I was on the MRT going home with a friend. The train was quite empty so we took a seat. Then she took out something from her bag which made me wanted to jump out the window, except that I can't open the windows on the train. So anyway, she took out her...Physics holiday assignment! She actually brought it with her! Argh! I feel so damned.
Morning rule: Smile. Afternoon rule: Be care-free. Evening rule: Study. Night rule: Sleep. Wait, isn't evening and night the same? Crap.
I feel like Alisa (Sita), the Last Vampire. She lies her way through her 5000 years of life, just to get what she wants.
I was cursed a long time ago. Now I'm condemned to live a life of depression. This is silly. There's many more people living in worse states than I am and yet I'm saying I'm depressed. I don't deserve this life I'm living.
"The Spaceship is leaving Planet Earth. It is moving faster and faster into space. Planet Earth is getting smaller and smaller. Soon, it will be out of sight. Is Wonderboy alone? No, he is not. He has many stars to keep him company."~The Adventures of Wonderboy...from those baby books.
I hate reading blogs. I hate me.
So...people's been watching the show twice or more, huh? I doubt I'll ever watch it again in my life. Plus my aunt's already warned me that I shouldn't do it during the month of fasting. But why only during fasting? It's stupid, you know. I bet she's trying to tell me going to the movies is a bad deed anytime in our life. And since I do not approve of pirated VCDs, I can just start feeling sorry for myself.
Now that I do have the internet back...I feel like I do not miss it at all. Now there's nothing for me to do...
It's weird. The time when I feel like nobody will read my blog, I'm ready to say anything. Now that I know people will definitely read my blog, I keep deleting and re-writing and deleting and re-writing. And I am a very messy person.
Friday, November 08, 2002
Friday, November 01, 2002
Okay, from now on I'm gonna limit the time I spend on the net to every sunday only & only for three hours. I'm also gonna add this daily quote section by Arthur Schopenhauer. He's this pessimistic philosopher who looks at the world in a weird way. Ya all should have figured the quotes on msn & the one below are bll by him. Great ones, huh? But I got a problem with my plan. I have no idea how to add that section. Feel like an idiot. I want to add a guestbook to but I don't know how. Too lazy to find out. Maybe one of these days I'll ask Liyana or something. Hmm...how do we change the page background too? Purple is so gross. (No offence to anybody.) I want to add pictures on my background too! Yap, yap. Can I add music too? What else huh?
Isn't it just so sickening? Once you step out of the MRT, or once you've said goodbye to your friend & you're alone, you start to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders again? What's worse is when you leave the MRT to get onto a bus which later gets into a traffic jam & then the memories & angry faces just keep repeating over & over again in your mind.