What is Hajj? It is the pilgrimage where we answer to the call from Allah, the original call of the Prophets. It will be almost like I am leaving this world and entering a different world, to meet my Creator, to renew my faith in Him, to have that sense of peace, and renew that sense of wonder at all the marvelous things that Allah has given me.

I decided to temporarily re-open my blog which nobody reads just to let out my thoughts, I have another blog that I update but that blog is not meant for religious thoughts, so here I am, back to my blog from my secondary school days. Those were the days.

I'm not sure how to feel actually. I know what I am supposed to feel. And I feel afraid. I feel grateful. That I was chosen by Him to go there. I feel afraid of what is going to happen. And yet I have to redha and accept everything that will happen, because He is the best of judges, and he knows best what I need.

What is redha? When I have done my best in everything that I can do, and I leave the rest to Him.

"Oh Allah, I am truly in great need of any good that You might send down to me." (Al-Qasas 28:24)

This is the prayer said by Prophet Moses a.s. when he escaped from the palace and Allah guided him to the desert.

Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqir. "Master, whatever you have sent down my way. Whatever you already sent down, I was in desperate need of it." In other words this shade and that water in front of him, that's all he gets right now. He doesn't have a house, he doesn't have food, he doesn't have anything else; and yet he is looking at all of this and telling Allah, "Ya Allah, thank you so much for this; I desperately needed it." In other words, before asking Allah for more, he is concentrating on what Allah has already given him. Instead of thinking about what he doesn't have, he turns to Allah and says "Ya Allah, I really needed that, thanks! I really needed that; I was so desperate, I would have died without this help of yours."

Why doesn't he ask Allah? "Ya Allah, feed me, ya Allah give me more, ya Allah provide me a house, ya Allah fix my life up; I've got a problem". Why doesn't he ask for any of it? You see, in saying to Allah that whatever you have given me, I desperately needed it; he has actually asked Allah.

The believer recognizes that whatever Allah gives you, whatever food He puts on the table, whatever job you found, whatever business you are doing - not only is it good enough; you desperately needed it. You don't get to be fussy with Allah and tell him, "Ya Allah, I don't want this one." "I know You provided me with this rock or this tree to sit under but if You could provide me with some kind of bedding, it would be better." "I know You gave me this water over here but maybe some coconuts might help."

Whatever You have given me, is exactly what I needed and I desperately needed it. I desperately needed it. Ya Allah, whatever you have sent towards me is because I can't go and get it. You are bringing it to me. Subbahanallah. 

-from the book Revive your Heart by Nouman Ali Khan

What is this. I haven't done much terawih this time. Been doing so much ot that time passed by way too fast. Didn't even make hari raya biscuits and kuih. And now suddenly it's Hari Raya already?! What is this! Ugh I need to control my work load and plan it properly...

Ahahah 40 more days wee~~~

Okay, I think we kinda decided not to call or meet till 13 sep. Cos it's getting so HARD to resist. This is so depressing! I might just die! From too much excitement :)

One and a half week in and I'm still not used to having no job...cos everybody is working! And I'm bored already... My day only starts at 10am now haha... I can't wait to start my new job on 27 and start the stress all over again... Ugh I still feel too sleepy to wake up... But I need to study... Spilled a cup of coffee on my bag and it still has the coffee smell...

What's up with this week's Bleach chapter... Totally reminds me of Snape's situation... How does it really feel to look at the child of the love of your life, the love whom you could never ever be with... Guess I'd never have to worry about that since I already have the love of my life with me... Can't wait for next week's chapter.

Okay I shall start doing that quiz on employment income and other practice questions...

Step 54: If you have a watch that bleeps on the hour, take this as a signal to stop what you’re doing and practise mindfulness just for one minute. If safe to do so, close your eyes and listen to the incessant chattering of the mind. Then resume your activities.

It's actually quite interesting to stop thinking and just listen to your mind.

Anyhoo, spring is here! :)

Spring season anime is just awesome every year. This year it's packed with demon warlords who work part time at MgRonalds and graphic animations of Titans eating people, and also 3 new mecha anime plus a cute squirrel. I'm gonna enjoy myself.

And 10 more days till I'm out of my current job and till I can cut off all connections with them cos I just can't take it any more. 10 more days. 10 days seem very short when I re-read that sentence. Oh well. I know it will pass by fast because 10 days later, I will be very thankful and very very happy.

I love spring.

Busy this week. It's my mums bday. Also meeting up with an old friend tomorrow who said she got me a birthday present I will like for sure so I'm wondering what in the world did she get me that she's so confident I will like as if she knows my deepest desires haha.

Then met my mak andam who have so MANY pretty and beautiful dresses and gowns and kebayas. 6 more months ^_^ Then I went fishing!!! Didn't get any fish but still had one of the best times of my life.

Still searching for a new job. Not really working hard on it cos I'm busy :( No time to do any revision. I'm so gonna fail my exams if I continue like this. Should make Thursdays n Fridays my revision times cos weekends seem to be too packed... I love my life :)))

February is ending!!!!!!!!

Sigh... Sometimes I don't know how I got myself into this mess.

Anyway, since I'm feeling so down right now...adding another few steps in Preston's confidence book for my personal reminder:

1. Be mindful.

2. Stop disempowering thoughts!

3. Replace them with empowering thoughts :)

4. Keep going until it becomes automatic.

I am starting to count the number of calories I eat each day, something I never did before haha. Really tired of people telling me I'm getting bigger. It's cos I'm HAPPY alright. I got more appetite to eat so I get bigger lah! Sheesh. Oh well I dunno how much counting my calorie intake will help really. Haha.

Only unhappy when I'm having pms... Still cry to sleep when I'm having pms. Hah.

And so... Spending my holidays at home... Shirokuma's Cafe is just so cute~~~~~~~

... I will watch my diet I will!

So I randomly bought at a sale this book titled 365 Steps To Self-Confidence By David Lawrence Preston. I found out there's a free online PDF available. It's an interesting book so far and suppose to help me lead a happy and fulfilling life. Lol.

So step 30 is to complete a sentence which I shall do so like this:

If I had an excellent self-image and total confidence in my abilities, I would...QUIT MY JOB!

Step 31: Make step 30 a firm goal. So... My goal is to QUIT MY JOB! And I will commit myself unreservedly to working towards this goal.

Can you believe I've been trying to find a new job since last year and 2013 rolls around and still I haven't found a new job?? Sigh. I will have to start asking all my friends for lobangs. And Adam told me to write down the pros and cons of leaving my current job too. Gah. Oh boy do I love February ^_^

Still reeling back from what a FANTASTIC year 2012 has been, especially the last 3 days of the year. Since June 2012, everything bad and everything great happen at the same time. There's still some problems I need to solve but so far, Alhamdulillah :) Both the positive and negative make us what we are today and I am very grateful.

And you know what? I know 2013 will be even better! I'm looking forward to it haha

"I find happiness in my faith, and my faith is in my heart, and no one has power over it except my Lord."

My own personal reminder. For if I let my happiness be controlled by a man, I will only suffer. Cos he may not be alive tomorrow. And neither may I. So believe in Allah and let my faith remain my happiness. Always.

I'm going to burst with happiness!

Haha. I just needed to say that.

"When you find that special someone

Feel your whole life has barely begun

You can walk on the moon, shout it to everyone

Allah knows Allah knows"

"I'm not perfect, but I keep trying cos that's what I said I would do from the start."

Nice song.

Starting the next phase of my life. Feeling that way after meeting his family. So many changes I have to make! Still, I LOVE MY LIFE. Alhamdulillah. There's not enough thanks I can say to Allah.

No posts for 5 months and now I'm posting this. But I really didn't know how much a guy can change my view of the world until now.

If I ever go to Japan, I wanna go on an anime pilgrimage!

K-on pilgrimage

************

I asked for Strength.....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me Difficulties to make me strong.


I asked for Wisdom....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me Problems to solve.


I asked for Prosperity....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me the Brain and Brawn to work.


I asked for Courage....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me Danger to overcome.


I asked for Love....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me Troubled people to help.


I asked for Favours....
And Allah Ta'ala gave me Opportunities.


I received nothing I wanted....
But I received everything I needed!


"FATABAARAKA ALLAAHO AHSANO-L-KHAALIQEEN"
"So blessed be Allah, The Good, The Best to create" (Al Qur'an - 23:14)

I smiled at that. Because I think about the Elephants too much. It's the time of the month to feel down and I feel like whining... There's work tomorrow too. I feel like I haven't done the things I want to do :(

Bright side? Looking forward to 26th June. Cos it's a nice date to look forward to.

I'm only watching one anime this season and I feel so sad cos I just have no mood to watch anime anymore... Life.

Well...so I watched Gantz...tiny spoiler ahead... My first reaction after the movie was that the manga was so much better. Well, that's what I get for having expectations. But there are still the cool parts. The smart Gantz ball, the nice guns, the cool suit, Nishi's laugh and attitude (the guy who called Kato a hypocrite). The turning point in the movie was after that explosion with the boombox alien fight. When Kei still didn't return to the room, in my head I was screaming, Nooooooooooo! The movie got much more exciting after that. In the statue alien battle, Nino's character was as irritating as it was in the manga. I like it. I guess the movie was just more fun than gory, and more cool than thought-provoking.

Oh I found the trailer for Gantz: Part II: Perfect Answer. Look how exciting it is! Maybe I shouldn't watch this if I'm gonna be disappointed... They'll probably tone down everything from the manga... Butbut I can see some interesting familiar scenes there... gosh when I watch this (in November or something), I will have zero expectations. ZERO.

"If pap is lightning, and wp is hammer, both of them can work together to become Thor!"

Tonight is one of the nights I stayed up late noT to watch anime, but my mind is still on fantasy...

And being in my house in aljunied constituency, when the announcement that wp won came, I could hear the loud cheer around the blocks and I saw through the windows a half-naked guy dancing in his house. Wahahahaha. Well let's hope the two parties can really work together and we don't get sidelined just because aljunied is under wp now (geez you think?). I do appreciate what george yeo and all the pap has done since our independence, but wp played their strategy well, with voters taking this "leap of faith". So now there's more voice in parliament eh? But george yeo loosing his seat is :(

Oh I have to add that voting day can be surprisingly exciting. That feeling of wondering if my vote counts, did I make any difference at all, can pap really win from the things I've heard so far & what will happen if they don't win. First time voting is so interesting! Haha.

Oh well. Now I guess the construction of the new mrt line right outside my house (Ubi Mrt Station) will be delayed since pap didn't win eh? Darn I was looking forward to that MRT line. Hah.

I don't feel so good. I really hate pms. Everything seems meaningless. All I feel like doing is whining. I'm hating & avoiding everyone.

Last night, I saw a mother repeatedly hitting her crying child saying, 'Shut up. Quiet. I don't want to hear a sound.' Add lotsa exclamation marks. I feel awful seeing that. What is this thing called 'stress' that makes a person turn from a sweet, good-natured & smiling person to become a monster.

Ya whatever. She will probably hug her by the end of the day to say I love you.

But pms makes me see that shouting image of her mother & only that image. And what my mum said was, Life is like that. Argh! I hate life.

I need to put better images in my head. Like, what a great February I had this year. Great presents, great flowers, great friends, great family, went chalet, went to Universal Studios, went to the zoo to see Lucy again.

Wonderful. Kyubei, come take me away.

source

Okay girl, get over it. It's only 10am. Stop hating. New day, new beginning. I think, speak & act positively. Smile for no reason.

I haven't got any mood to blog lately. Lemme try to squeeze something out...okay.

I just realized I'm still watching shonen anime & reading shojo manga, which is supposedly meant for people aged less than 18 years old. I should stop watching those & should start shifting towards seinen/josei (above 18 years old) type of anime/manga. Some friends have shifted, but for me, I don't wanna grow up!

I'm starting to think that's the source of my depression. Denial of age & refusal of responsibility haha.

***********

The fastest way to happiness is to look away from reality.

Quote from Office Space:
What would you do if you had a million dollars?
...
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
P: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing.
L: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.

Wrong. It's so hard to do nothing because we are humans. Chalets to go to, holidays to go with families, parents to nag at you. But I guess it's selfish of me to wish to do nothing. But then again, what's your definition of nothing right.

Well anyway, my laptop crashed..can't even switch it on. Need to send it for repair asap. In the meantime.. How to live without my laptop??? I'm gonna die............!!! Sigh.

Personal update: I finally resigned after 1 year in that job I hate so much. So now I'm unemployed. Will look for another job once I get back from Gold Coast on 25 Dec. Will be flying off on the 17. Yea, the second country I will be visiting, the first is Malaysia. Guess the excitement will come later. Meh.

I wonder if I should make a new blogskin since I'm jobless now. It's really crazy how busy & tiring life is ever since work started. Only free on Sundays which always pass by in a blur. I don't look forward to that again. Really :(

Oh ya... have you ever seen children dancing in the rain. Seeing my 2 year old cousin doing that is the cutest thing ever :) Kids are fun :)

And it's a new year in the Muslim calendar starting tonight. Ya Allah, please make me stronger this year to face the challenges this world throws at me.

**************


^^ teacup rabbit

Seriously, how to live without my laptop & my anime??