"I hate my sister. Idiot stupid person. I hate her." ~ my sister's blog

My sister hates me. I think everybody hates me. I've just been very ignorant, that's all. Lucky me. Going around the house & acting like an idiot...never realising I'm really irritating them. I always thought they knew I'm kidding around...I guess I better stop it, huh? Stop irritating people, start treating them like I want them to treat me...maybe help them with the housework...clean up the table after they eat...massage their backs...

Ok, I've really got to go. There's so many things to do...so many things to clean, so many things to find out, so many books to read...

Oh, I've watched Matrix Revolutions & it wasn't that bad what...its the ending to a trilogy! What did they expect? Actually I dont understand the ending...

xx

"There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming train that's going to squash you flat." ~ DT...?

I got my dates for my Perdaus exams wrong…its on the 6th…more time to study…right…

…I keep imagining myself getting my results & realising I can’t get into the science stream...but that’s the better part. The worse part is not being accepted into JC. THEN I’ll have to go to poly & take bio tech, which my sister suggested...she also mentioned taking bio tech is just as good as going to JC…sigh…

...how could I have let them down? I died for my O-levels. I could have done much better but I didn’t. I took things for granted & wasted my 4 years here. I don’t deserve anything right now…

I’m regretting, I know, something which everyone have been telling me to avoid…I just want to forget about my ‘O’s. Forget about my whole life in rgs, being surrounded by all the smart people but never learning anything from them. But you know what I’m more afraid of? I’m afraid that I forget to regret. Then waste my next 2 years…again…

Gawd, I sound like an idiot.

xx

"I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer." ~ Agent Smith

Ok, before I don't come online until the 27th, I've got this to say: I've heard everything about Matrix Revolution from my elder sis. And...I'm not gonna say much, but then I guess everybody's heard, the plot aint that cool, 'cause I expected better. How uncool is it? It's how in Matrix, Trinity kissing Neo & resurrecting him. And how in Matrix Reloaded, Neo pulling out the bullet from Trinity. That's how uncool it is. But hell. Maybe those who haven't watch it should try not to expect anything. It's not a stupid show nor is it great. Decide that after you watch it. Heh. Neo...what can I say about Neo...he is one freaking dude.

So now, I have to depend on the actions & animations now to ensure that I get some excitement from watching Matrix Reloaded.

Let's hope lotr3 & hp3 is better...but then there are critics for every movie.

xx

"Yeah. Free my mind. Right. No problem." ~ Neo

My Malay paper was easy. And I'm even more scared. 'Cause if I don't get an A1...that shows how stupid I am...

Anyway, I'm not ever going online again till the 18th...actually it should be the 27th, 'cause my Perdaus Paper is on the 26th...I think...so that means I have to write my animal story some other time...

xx

Don't Quit! ~ from the Chicken Soup for the Soul

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will.
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill.
When the funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but have to sigh,
When stress is pressing down on you,
Rest if you must - But don't you quit!

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, tho' the pace seems slow. -
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint & faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he captured the victors cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was, to the golden crown.

Success is a failure turned inside out.
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt -
And your can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst you mustn't quit.

After school. Everybody's gone. Switch off the lights closest to the windows (lest reflection on the glass). Switch off the air-con (to be environmentally friendly...no lar just cold)...& finally sitting down at the teacher's table to use the computer...actually the computer's not the teacher's table. It's beside it. How come this table has never been called the computer table? Err...anyway, just saying I won't be doing this next year...

Muthu haven't replied for some months because he got an accident! Or was he just sick? Sigh...just thinking...if our penpals suddenly got into an accident & died (touch wood), we would never ever know he'd dead. All we'd know is he had stopped replying to our emails. When actually he can't do that because he's wiped from the surface of the earth. Scary.

xx

"Don't let your mind wonder. It's much too small to be off onits own anyway."

Quacksquacksquacks. I'm online again. This time, I'll talk animal talk. Moomoo. Oinkoink. Chirpchirp. Baabaa. RoarRoar. Wolfwolf. Miowmiow...miaomiao? Squeek...ok my spellings are getting worse.

xx

"I rule an Empire in Cyberspace called Internet."

I can't even watch Days of Our Lives in peace! I'm nuts. I'm stupid. Ayah keeps telling me to stop going online / watching tv & start studying but the more he says that, the more I don't want to study... & that is wrong! Argh! I hate him! I hate my mum too! I hate it when she comes into my room while I'm studying. Like this morning when I was studying & ibu woke up to eat sahur & she comes into my room & asked me if I've eaten & I felt this surge of anger...what is wrong with me? I don't hate them...

...

I used to study in school 'cause I can't study at home. So when I do go home, I feel like I've given up on studying & leave it to fate (usually knowing I'd probably fail). And now I'm probably going to go home everyday after the exams for the rest of the month until the 18th...I feel like giving up...I have nothing else to study for...I can't help it...I just want the 'O's to be over so I can stop feeling frustrated everytime my parent walk past me...wait, I think I know why I hate them...is it because I've failed them? And now they keep nagging at me...so instead of feeling remourseful, I feel angry...argh! They could have nagged at me a long time ago, but when did they chose to nag at me? Now. They prob think I'm very independant or something. Now they realised they're wrong...& it's all my fault...

...

Heh, nagged at me a long time ago? Yar right. Now I'm blaming my parents for my results. Childish.

xx

"Each day is a little life: every waking and rising a little birth, every fresh morning a little youth, every going to rest and sleep a little death." ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

I thought I lost my graduation ring...& I thought that's pretty horrible...but then my sis found it in the washing machine...& now it's scratched & all...-sniff.sniff-

I actually planned the things I'm gonna do after 'O's:
- bathe 2x a day (+brushing teeth)
(these days I bathe once in two days...)
- mengaji everyday
- start jogging again (weekly)
- wash dishes, throw the garbage, sweep/vacuum the floor, etc...(& hopefully get $$ too)
- actually *learn* to cook
- start reading mly & el newspaper
- read newsweek
- buy national geographic (if parents let me...$$?)
- &, the best of all, go library everyday!
- of course, there's also THE MATRIX, RETURN OF THE KING & HP PoA!
- pLuS HaRi RaYa!!!

But there are still people taking exams after 'O's, like xiao tian taking some Jap exam after Alma Matta, & me taking my religious class exams after HaRi RaYa...oh well...I know that every beginning has an end (y must Sirius die???) but exams definitely defy that.

Lalala...what was tt quote? "You may have missed the beauty of the morning, but do not miss the evening dew." (Hollond V) I hate that stupid WanWan. Who does she think she is? How come she thinks all the guys she choose for her sisters are the 'right' ones? And poor Xiong ge! How could she leave him like that? Btw, I like Yanyan's attitude. If I were in that family, I would be Yanyan. Definitely NOT RouRou...can't even fight a guy like Tianxiang...oh whatever. &...does 7-eleven really sells condoms? My sister was asking...

Then there's Salman who went to VJC(?) with his Josephian of the Year Award & his sportings talents...Shamiah's stressed having such a perfect cousin. While I am just trying to forget him...he has a girlfriend anyway(?)...

About my studies, I've got this to quote: "The first award spurred me on to go for the 2nd & 3rd award."
And this to say: "How come I never get spurred on by anything?"

xx

Fact: Coffee is the 2nd most widely traded commodity in the world, with oil ranked first and steel third.

What if, someone was depressed, and you were happy. You smiled at the person, talking merrily & laughing like nuts, but the person did not say anything. So then you get a little down-hearted & walked away. When in actual fact, the person felt very much happier than before. But you didn't know that. So you felt sad for the rest of the day. What a great sacrifice for a sad friend, don't you think? It's like some of the person's feelings enter you while some of your better feelings go away...oh, whatever. I guess this only happens to poor old me, huh?

xx

"Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive anyway."

Excuse me but..."going to different institutions"? Of course I'm going to different institutions from the rest of the rgs population! This may be very negative of me, but I am just not meant to be in rgs in the 1st place.

Whatever. Take this extremely funny conversation between my friend & Mr Lui.

Ring, ring…
Lui : Hello? Georgia?
Georgia: (just woken up) Hello…
Lui : Georgia, this is Kenneth Lui speaking.
Georgia: WHAT Lui?!
Lui : Mr Kenneth Lui. *Anyway*, there’s Amaths remedial class today.
Georgia: There is?! But there can’t be!
Lui : There is. (He said with a final tone)
Georgia: But…my friend (forgot who) said she’s not coming today.
Lui : Yes, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t come.
Georgia: But…I just woke up. (still sleepy enough not to come up w/ a better reason)
-long pause-
Lui : Can you get ready & come down *now*.
Georgia: (finally woken up) Oh, I have tuition later.
-longer pause-
Lui : Ok, can you come down tomorrow?
Georgia: But Mr Lui! Tomorrow is Deepavali! It’s not me, but I do not want to trouble you or anything, making you come down just for me especially on a holiday when you should be taking a rest with your family…etc, etc.
Lui : Oh, alright, come down on Saturday then. There’s a mock exam from 8 to 12 at 404 classroom.
Georgia: Err…okay…
-conversation end-

Heh, more quotes...btw, I found out the quote abt strapping toast on the back of a cat was originally made by Steven Wright.

xx

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

Thx, Jia Wen. After Os is fine. Email me when u're ready.

So...after that ordeal, I went back to the library, packed my stuff & went home. Then I slept all the way till now. And now, I'm back on the computer. Great job, munirah. But then I always win against my conscience.

Anyway, I had a dream. We happened to be living in the daemon world, & someone I knew had her daemon taken away from her, & gosh, it hurts. So we organised this meeting to find out who's the idiot who pulled it out. Deborah Tan was in the meeting...anyway, after the meeting, I was packing my stuff & Shamiah was behind me & saying its late & she shd go home. I looked up at the clock on the classroom wall & realised its 10p.m. So I let her go first. Then I ran to catch up w/ her. She said she needed to go buy sushie(sp?) for dinner or sth.

Ok, that's not the point. When I woke up, I realised that soon, I won't be going home with Shamiah anymore. I won't be crossing the street & suddenly meeting Jia Wen at the bus stop anymore. Or maybe meeting Pamela or Annie. In fact, I won't even be in my classroon & looking up at the classroom clock anymore...
My mum told me to keep studying. My job is to study. Doesn't matter where I go. Doesn't matter how many friends I make & how many I lose...What is with me & friends anyway? Family is more important. The family who I don't feel close to, who I can't even speak of my problems to. The thing is, I always know what they are going to say before asking a question, or even telling them my problem. I know every specific detail they're going to give, & whether it'll hurt me or not. And when I do try asking, they reply exactly they way I thought they would. And no matter how much I want to rebut them, to tell them that they are wrong, that there is more to it, I won't, cuz I guess I still know what they'll say. So instead, I go back to my room & cry...I dunno why...I can't talk to them...my parents...

xx

"I'm not retreating! I'm just advancing in the opposite direction!"

Noooo! Don't make me go back to the library! Nooooooooooo! -gets down on her knees & starts begging- Ok, this is pathetic. -gets up again.-

I am so SICK of doing amaths! And I'm not even improving! Argh! I am also SICK of seeing kenneth lui every two days...And two days after this one, I'll have to take an EXAM. From 8 to 10 a.m. on this coming Saturday, I'll be in 404's classroom drawing stupid vector diagrams, erasing them, re-drawing them, erasing again, redrawing again...and all the time wishing I could watch Pokemon! It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!! Why must life be so unfair????????????
Ignore her.

Hmm...I'll be going back to the library soon to do some ss...& I can't even eat!!!!!!!!
Stop complaining, idiot. *Some* people would actually be smart enough to know that by fasting, we save time & thus become more efficient in studying for the (dreaded) O levels...

OK! Whatever! Can't you shut up for awhile, huh?

-silence-

Either I'm going crazy or I'm going crazy.

xx

"Flies, Padfoot. Flies" ~ Remus to Serius when Sirius had his mouth hanging wide open.

Hello. I'm feeling bored now. I have nothing on my mind now. Lately, when I come here I have something on my mind, but now I don't. Oh well, I've got some quotes anyway...I can't think of what to type...except maybe Hari Raya. I can't wait! I can't believe its coming...not that it would be as exciting once its here.........ladeeda.........I want to go overseas. Oh, you know what I really want? I want to touch snow. Snow is cool. Literally. I've read so many books with snow inside, and watched so many cartoons also with snow inside...I wish I can touch real snow...not snow city snow...I want to make snowmen & have snowball fights & all those stuff...but I guess we Singaporean people might not be able to stand snow without many many layers of clothes...

Btw, I think I had been studying more for my Prelims than my Os...oh well...

I think all this thinking about snow is because of Calvin & Hobbes. I was reading my bio notes, the one made by Edna Tan, with all the Calvin&Hobbes comic strips...and so I took out my big book of Calvin&Hobbes & read the comics inside. A serious waste of time, I know. But I sure enjoyed myself.

xx

"Love your enemies. It pisses them off."

I'm gonna babble now. About how sad I'm feeling. I feel so alone, no one to talk too, everybody with their own agendas, we are always alone anyway. How I wish i have a daemon. But then I have Tommy, my imaginary friend, so why am I complaining? Liyana is nowhere in sight, neither is Jia Wen. I can't even see them on the last day of school. Yeah, but so what? That does not mean anything. What makes me think I can see them anyway? Putting such high hopes for nothing. Like how people are complaining that they can't go HJC or RJC. Haha. Well, it's not funny...well then. An aggregate of 20 will still get me somewhere I suppose...there's just too little time left. Am I regretting? I hope not...whatever. I'll give Liyana a call to see if I can go over to her place. Of course, I don't mind if anybody else invite me over to their place. Except I know some people would rather study alone...why am I such a loser? Wait, I'm not.

Suicide does not solve anything. I know. I just feel sorry for those who think of it and also for those who had already done it. Yet I feel jealous of those who live such a good life that the thought of suicide never come to their mind.

Oh, I'm starting to get attracted to orange. But I can't bear to leave red. Ah, I'm such a loyal fan.

xx

"...thinking about what?"
"Oh, you know. The big questions of life. Like, if
toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always
land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on
the back of a cat and drop it?"
~DT

Seven! I've got 7 cute little caterpillars on my lime plant. Actually they are not very cute yet cuz they are now dark green & white. Later they'll turn a beautiful light green colour with big fake eyes. So cute! Then they'll turn to ugly brown cacoons, then 1 or 2 weeks later they'll turn to a bright yellow & black butterfly! I've never really seen it coming out. I just happened to trap one & saw it grow until one day I came home from school & saw the beautiful butterfly. It's really quite gigantic. Hehe! There's been about 4 generations coming to lay eggs so far but I've never seen 7 caterpillars all at once. Sigh...I wish I can see it when it changes to a butterfly.

Anyway, I'm not worrying about my JC yet. I'll just wait for my results. It'll come then I'll cry then I'll make my bloody decision. I have to make it sooner or later. It'll just be later then.

xx

"Soon? What does that mean, soon?"
"Later than right now, earlier than never." ~ DT

It's sick when you hear it once. It's worse when she keeps repeating it. "Mmhmmm..." she'll say with that yucky voice. "Ok," she'll then say with a smile. Then, "Muax," & she'll make that kissing sound. Times that a couple of times. Then she'll say, "Oh, wait..." , talk for a few more minutes, then repeat the 'sweet' goodbyes all over again. I really felt like vomiting. If my sis does this over the phone, I wonder what she does when she sees her bf face to face.

xx

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

Haha! Only one more paper! And I am already slacking! Sigh. I don't know how I can stand waiting for the invigilators to collect our answer scripts tomorrow. I'd probably just burst with excitement. And DON"T remind me about the 'O's. Ah well. It's not that far away actually. I should just panic now, you know. Tan Yiow Hwa said before the Prelims that we should be stress then, so that we can relax in October. As if. I know I already died for Prelims, so I should work harder. Much harder. But I don't want to think about that yet. Cuz I'm watching Pirates of the Carribean tomorrow. Just something to look forward too. Other then Matrix Reloaded & Lord of the Rings Part III. Yeah! Except it's in November...sigh...

Something I don't look forward to is Alma Matta. I don't know how I'm going to let all my friends go. Not that I have many anyway. Like, I still keep in contact with my best friend from primary school. Except that it's always been me calling her & never she calling me. Sometimes I wonder if she's actually irritated with all my calls. Sigh. Too bad she had not given me her email or anything. I never got the opportunity to ask her. SIgh again. We were only best friends for one year in P6. Who are we together now? We lead totally different lives: different schools, different friends, different experiences...& that's how it's going to be with me & Shamiah/Jia Wen/Liyana/etc. ten years down the road. What's more Jia Wen might be going overseas. It's such a big world out there. We can never know what's going to happen.

Talking about overseas, I am seriously jealous that Shamiah is going to Switzerland. Aaah! It is so unfair! I have never been anywhere past Malaysia, & that was only to Penang! Plus, that was so long ago I couldn't even remember what happened. All I remembered was taking the plane there cause that's the first time I took a plane. And I had never stepped onto a plane since then. The only place my family & I go to each year is either Genting or to my father's aunt's kampung house at Malacca. Actually my family once went to Cameron Highlands except I didn't go because of some stupid thing I can't remember. So basically I haven't stepped on Cameron Highlands either. GOsh, how pathetic. Ok, yar, sure, there probably is a few out there who still haven't stepped out of SIngapore at my age. So I should be thankful, huh?

Then there's that merit award thing. Our chair & vice-chair didn't get it either. What the hell is the criteria? Not that it matters to a particualr someone who is glad that that chair didn't get it. Oh well, it's not like it matters to me, really. I haven't even been expecting it. I don't think I contributed that much to the committee. Well, maybe I did. But whatever I do I never expect anything in return or even any appreciation for it. I mean, that's what we should be expecting right? In life, we should not expect our contributions to be appreciated, no matter how big. We should just know that what we did makes a difference. I guess that's very sad. But we can't expect to get what we deserve all the time, right? This reminds me of a DV quote.

Oh, remind me to get a new template for my blog. I know it sucked reading all of the above, cuz I tried.

xx

"Life is not fair."
"That's true, but think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. Take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe."
~ Draco...aah, I should start reading DV ch10

Totalimmortal
Hope unknown; sometimes just waking is surreal.
I walk right through the nameless ones.
Hope unknown; sometimes the water feels so real.
As I walk through it fills my lungs 'Oh my God I'm drowning.'

This day never seems to end.
This pain, never.
This day never seems to end.
This rage I cannot let go.

I hear them calling.
I feel them gnawing all through flawless souls.

So alone. Sometimes I swear that I can hear the taunting of the voiceless ones.
I fell that I alone fear thoes finally cease to feel that they are alone inside this place-
-I am the misplaced.

This day never seems to end.
This pain never.
This day never seems to end.
This rage I cannot let go.

I hear them calling.
I feel them gnawing out holes.
All through all the flawless souls.

Now ever face looks fimiliar...
then ever face would melt away until...
Now everyone, do you know, I know your deception?

-AFI

Orals...well, if I do the rest of my 'O's with the same standard, I can say dasbedanya to RJC. Goodbye! Astala babe vista! (I don't even know if the spelling is right...) And I didn't watch Smallville last night 'cause I was asleep...but I did watch Days of Our Lives, which is a very very slow...okay, that's an understatement...I can't believe Boa is still with Billy! He should have dumped her by now...and of course, the truth is still hidden from the poor sick man...when are they going to let the cat out of the bag?

Studies...not good. Haven't start on SS. Oh, I totally died in the test on structured question...then there's Biology and Geography...I really hate those subjects...actually not. I just don't really like the memorizing part. But then, who doesn't?

"Because," said Malfoy, and leaned forward until his face was inches from Seamus? "If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. Got that?"
Seamus just stared.
"And if you tell anyone what I just said, I will still beat you to death with a shovel. I want to be very clear about this, Finnegan. Do you understand me?"
Seamus found his voice, although it was fainter than usual. "A shovel?"
"That's right. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Keep it in mind," said Malfoy shortly, stepped back, and walked away from Seamus without looking back.~DV

I'm wasting time. I'm wasting time. I'm wasting time.

My sister just told me that she didn't manage to finish studying when taking her 'O's...wonder where she'd be if she had...

"A game? Oooh, a game! Oooh! Pick me! Pick me!" Dora...issit Dora? Oh no! I forgot her name!