Day 21 of my hajj. I have completed my hajj and am spending my last day in Makkah now as I’ll be travelling to Madinah tomorrow. Since it’s the time of the month for me, I can’t go into the mosque, so I’m sitting in the hotel a lot the last three days.

What an experience! I am so thankful so grateful to be alive to experience every single walk every single word every single trial, challenge, people met, activities did, indescribable feelings of awe and amazingness and love and sadness and peace and wonder. Originally I didn’t like the Ustad, but at Shisha, Ustad Musa was very helpful and guide us and taught us and made us do the prayers and zikir and he was amazing I might have fallen in love with him if I’m not married. But he said do not follow him, follow Allah and consistently ask Allah for guidance. Wukuf at Arafah, bermalam at Muzdalifah, bermalam at Mina and the stoning of the three pillars, these are the main activities of hajj.

Our first apartment is at Shisha where we are separated the men and women as we do prayers and zikir while waiting for 9 Zulhajjah to wukuf at Arafah. The wukuf at Arafah was mostly in the tents and we were quite safe from the weather, we only went out in the last few hours of wukuf when the sun is low and the angels are at the lowest point in the sky to receive our prayers. I wish I had stood there and repeated my prayers a thousand times until the sun set.

Bernalam at Muzdalifah was also a bit of challenge as it’s a waiting game where we wait and sleep wherever we can till we are given the queue to go cos every group in every country are given lots to pull for queue numbers for their turn. Ustad Musa was very good at finding empty spots for us to rest, always looking out for groups who left earlier and quickly taking their spots whenever we can.

Bermalam at Mina was an interesting experience too, as I have always seen the tents from the outside and never went in. Going in for the first time with the waiting and when we entered we were in a maze of tents turning left right left right finding the right tent when all the tents look exactly the same. But inside the Mina tent the aircon was very cooling.

For the stoning of the three pillars the challenge was the distance to walk. Walking at night was ok but morning oh wow. They set up cooling sprays for the people there but sometimes the water sprayed evaporated so quickly I don’t know if I felt any better. After all those activities, on day 12 is our turn to pack our bags and move to Makkah, where we can do the tawaf and sai haji, and thus our haji is completed. May our haji be accepted and may we get Haji mabrur. Once it’s completed, men and women no longer need to be separated. We are currently staying at Hilton Suite, a very good hotel, where it’s so very cold. Even Masjidil Haram, the floors are oh so cold.

I can’t speak of the trials we went through cos it really was very challenging, but with all the quarrels we had with the people we love plus the weather, it’s still the people we love whom we turn to in the end, and they make the experience a good one, with help from Allah. Shisha was one set of challenge, Makkah is another. I’ll be heading to Madinah tomorrow and may Allah ease our journeys at Madinah.

What is Hajj? It is the pilgrimage where we answer to the call from Allah, the original call of the Prophets. It will be almost like I am leaving this world and entering a different world, to meet my Creator, to renew my faith in Him, to have that sense of peace, and renew that sense of wonder at all the marvelous things that Allah has given me.

I decided to temporarily re-open my blog which nobody reads just to let out my thoughts, I have another blog that I update but that blog is not meant for religious thoughts, so here I am, back to my blog from my secondary school days. Those were the days.

I'm not sure how to feel actually. I know what I am supposed to feel. And I feel afraid. I feel grateful. That I was chosen by Him to go there. I feel afraid of what is going to happen. And yet I have to redha and accept everything that will happen, because He is the best of judges, and he knows best what I need.

What is redha? When I have done my best in everything that I can do, and I leave the rest to Him.

"Oh Allah, I am truly in great need of any good that You might send down to me." (Al-Qasas 28:24)

This is the prayer said by Prophet Moses a.s. when he escaped from the palace and Allah guided him to the desert.

Rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqir. "Master, whatever you have sent down my way. Whatever you already sent down, I was in desperate need of it." In other words this shade and that water in front of him, that's all he gets right now. He doesn't have a house, he doesn't have food, he doesn't have anything else; and yet he is looking at all of this and telling Allah, "Ya Allah, thank you so much for this; I desperately needed it." In other words, before asking Allah for more, he is concentrating on what Allah has already given him. Instead of thinking about what he doesn't have, he turns to Allah and says "Ya Allah, I really needed that, thanks! I really needed that; I was so desperate, I would have died without this help of yours."

Why doesn't he ask Allah? "Ya Allah, feed me, ya Allah give me more, ya Allah provide me a house, ya Allah fix my life up; I've got a problem". Why doesn't he ask for any of it? You see, in saying to Allah that whatever you have given me, I desperately needed it; he has actually asked Allah.

The believer recognizes that whatever Allah gives you, whatever food He puts on the table, whatever job you found, whatever business you are doing - not only is it good enough; you desperately needed it. You don't get to be fussy with Allah and tell him, "Ya Allah, I don't want this one." "I know You provided me with this rock or this tree to sit under but if You could provide me with some kind of bedding, it would be better." "I know You gave me this water over here but maybe some coconuts might help."

Whatever You have given me, is exactly what I needed and I desperately needed it. I desperately needed it. Ya Allah, whatever you have sent towards me is because I can't go and get it. You are bringing it to me. Subbahanallah. 

-from the book Revive your Heart by Nouman Ali Khan

What is this. I haven't done much terawih this time. Been doing so much ot that time passed by way too fast. Didn't even make hari raya biscuits and kuih. And now suddenly it's Hari Raya already?! What is this! Ugh I need to control my work load and plan it properly...

Ahahah 40 more days wee~~~

Okay, I think we kinda decided not to call or meet till 13 sep. Cos it's getting so HARD to resist. This is so depressing! I might just die! From too much excitement :)

One and a half week in and I'm still not used to having no job...cos everybody is working! And I'm bored already... My day only starts at 10am now haha... I can't wait to start my new job on 27 and start the stress all over again... Ugh I still feel too sleepy to wake up... But I need to study... Spilled a cup of coffee on my bag and it still has the coffee smell...

What's up with this week's Bleach chapter... Totally reminds me of Snape's situation... How does it really feel to look at the child of the love of your life, the love whom you could never ever be with... Guess I'd never have to worry about that since I already have the love of my life with me... Can't wait for next week's chapter.

Okay I shall start doing that quiz on employment income and other practice questions...

Step 54: If you have a watch that bleeps on the hour, take this as a signal to stop what you’re doing and practise mindfulness just for one minute. If safe to do so, close your eyes and listen to the incessant chattering of the mind. Then resume your activities.

It's actually quite interesting to stop thinking and just listen to your mind.

Anyhoo, spring is here! :)

Spring season anime is just awesome every year. This year it's packed with demon warlords who work part time at MgRonalds and graphic animations of Titans eating people, and also 3 new mecha anime plus a cute squirrel. I'm gonna enjoy myself.

And 10 more days till I'm out of my current job and till I can cut off all connections with them cos I just can't take it any more. 10 more days. 10 days seem very short when I re-read that sentence. Oh well. I know it will pass by fast because 10 days later, I will be very thankful and very very happy.

I love spring.

Busy this week. It's my mums bday. Also meeting up with an old friend tomorrow who said she got me a birthday present I will like for sure so I'm wondering what in the world did she get me that she's so confident I will like as if she knows my deepest desires haha.

Then met my mak andam who have so MANY pretty and beautiful dresses and gowns and kebayas. 6 more months ^_^ Then I went fishing!!! Didn't get any fish but still had one of the best times of my life.

Still searching for a new job. Not really working hard on it cos I'm busy :( No time to do any revision. I'm so gonna fail my exams if I continue like this. Should make Thursdays n Fridays my revision times cos weekends seem to be too packed... I love my life :)))